This just in...

Continuing its no-nonsense campaign against lighting up, the California Legislature voted today to make cigarette smoking a capital offense. While the law waits for the governor’s signature, which is seen as imminent, anti-tobacco spokespeople around the state, expressed their relief at the tough new law. “Why shouldn’t smokers be put to death?” pondered one grateful citizen. “After all, haven’t they’ve been killing us for decades?” For many the new law couldn’t come soon enough as California’s social and political spokespeople have become increasingly outspoken about the evils of tobacco. One California legislator was quoted as saying, “As far as I’m concerned, it’s been genocide--it’s that simple.” However, some militant activists think the new law does not go far enough. A more radical bill that would have called for smokers to be “shot on sight,” was only narrowly voted down in the California senate. Some lawmakers are blaming its defeat on the powerful tobacco lobby. In related news, scientists at the University of California at Berkeley recently released new research that links smoking to ingrown toenails, avalanches, bat salivary gland fever, the murder of Rasputin, and the continued popularity of Jerry Lewis.