Me and My Teeth

Until about a month ago, I had yellow, stained, mottled, dirty, grimy teeth and had been under some pressure to do something about it. By “pressure” I mean subtle comments from my wife such as, “Have you looked into that teeth bleaching thing yet?” and from one of my daughters, “You know, Dad, your teeth look like they’ve been stained with horse urine” (actual quote). If you’ve ever seen the movie, “Deliverance,” you’ll remember the scene where Jon Voigt and that chubby guy get molested by three smiling demented hillbillies. If you can remember the color of their (the hillbillies) teeth in that scene, you have a pretty good idea of what mine looked like. I knew if I really wanted to do something about it, I wasn’t going to be able to count on the wimpy little “white strips” they sell you over the counter—I would need something of industrial strength. So about four weeks ago I went to the College of Dentistry where the worst cases go. After filling some cavities, the dentist made a really neat plaster cast of my teeth (it’s still sitting on my dresser) which in turn was used to mold a plastic tray to hold some gooey high power bleach. I “bleached myself” faithfully four hours every day for two weeks. I admit I was skeptical at first but I was actually surprised at the change it made. I would not call my new teeth white or even “off-white” but if you squint at them a certain way you might generously refer to them as “light yellow.” I am not yet confident enough to actually show my teeth for a photo or anything that bold. However if my friends accidentally catch a glimpse of them, I no longer feel the need to apologize for ruining their appetites.